The Model and the Dude

Sex, Friendship, or a Bond for Life?

by Jürg “Fed” Federer

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In the fourth post in our exclusive new series “Le Dude”, Swiss provocateur and author Jürg “Fed” Federer discusses the benefits of platonic relationships with the opposite sex.

Recently my pal and I sat down over cocktails at Jones in Hollywood, when he looked at me with blood-shot eyes and a twinge of jealousy, saying: “Dude, your brain is some kind of a fluffy pulp where models like to hang out.” I replied with a declaration of love for the women I don’t date:

I grew up in a Swiss bubble, but my family’s wealth was far below the average of the surrounding finance millionaires. In school I connected with a girl who shared the same fate. She’s a blessed soul, experiencing a joyride of a life, carrying herself with grace the whole time – she is a model, after all. She’s my purest platonic love affair, and her friendship is the one that has been a constant in my life. There is no explanation for why we love and support each other unconditionally. It’s a heartfelt connection that only family provides.

For 40 years she’s been like a sister, my support system, the constant anchor in the high and low tides of my life. She’s grounded and natural, a cupcake of a tom-boy with the frosting of a lady on top. It’s a divine miracle, uncontrolled by her and me, that we never romantically explored the deep connection we share. I can honestly say that I don’t think I ever caught myself checking her out. It’s as if there was a higher power guiding us through our friendship. I love her dearly; her home is the harbor I steer to when a storm capsizes my boat.

But the point of this column is not that I’m best friends with a model. It’s about the fact that calling a female model my best friend opened me up to experiencing something so much more pristine than an affair with an expiration date. This is a credo for friendships between Dudes and women. When you say they don’t work, you’re not alone. But I call bullshit.

This is a credo for friendships between Dudes and women. When you say they don’t work, you’re not alone. But I call bullshit.

Every time a Dude is drawn to a woman, there’s something special he sees in her. Or to put it in other words, it takes a lot of liquor to hook up with a person we genuinely do not like. When Dude is drawn to Dudesse, as I like to call her, a threesome of possibilities arises: Sex, Friendship, or a Bond for Life. Now it’s unfortunate that most Dudes I know enter a room private parts first. That is when we get this rush of blood that leaves our hearts and our heads heavily underserved. This blood rush leads to one single option: sex. Friendship and the Bond for Life are out of reach. And that’s a shame.

Hanging out with female friends draws more women into your life.

When it comes to mating, Dudesses are a lot smarter than Dudes. They actually keep their hearts pumping and their heads on straight while the Dude navigates the room, seemingly operated by a remote control. Now, I’ve been that joystick-steered Dude at times in my life. I do not remember one hook-up, however, that was anywhere near as palatable as the friendships I made with the women I never touched. Fast food hamburgers just don’t nourish the body and the soul as well as a slow-cooked barbecue that’s been smoking with love and dedication for a full day.

Do you feel an urge to turn your head every time you hear the female mating call of clacking heels comes down the street?

I would agree that part of the path to manhood may hinge on a Dude’s capacity to draw the attention of Dudesses. If that’s where your life is at, read my columns Online Dating and The First Date, go out, man up, and come back here when you’re ready for the next step. But if you’re at a point where you’re slightly bothered by the urge to turn your head every time you hear the female mating call of clacking heels coming down the street, I suggest you take some time to practice: Learn to enter a room with your heart and your brain, fighting the impulse to send a rush of blood down there (read: the wrong way).

After a while you will start to look at women through a broader lens. With your head up high, your heart open, and your blood under control, you get to understand how a Dudesse thinks. And suddenly women of all kinds, models and their friends, will become your trusted tribe. You may find proof for Shep Gordon’s celebrity marketing advice “guilt by association”. It’s true in every aspect of life. Hanging out with female friends draws more women into your life. And in the end there’s nothing wrong with dating the friend of your model confidant. It’s not like I’m vouching for a celibate existence here. This is what I replied to my pal when we sat at Jones in Hollywood and he said to me with blood-shot eyes and a twinge of jealousy: “Dude, your brain is some kind of a fluffy pulp where models like to hang out.”

With love and respect to: Dodo, Jenny, Laura, Recha and Su. I love you girls the way I love my beer: unfiltered.

Jürg “Fed” Federer is a Swiss author, provocateur and chef. He lives in Los Angeles and in Zurich. He has been written up in Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Time Out New York and many more. Fed is working as a copy writer, with offices in Zurich, New York and Los Angeles. He is currently under a three-book contract with MacGregor Literary and he will contribute to IMBOLDN with this column on living the life of a Dude every second week.

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